Supporting someone who’s going through grief is hard. In fact, let me just come right out and say this, in many ways it can feel like an impossible task. You’re desperate to help them, provide practical support, to be there for them when they need a shoulder to cry on, maybe cook meals or bring some lunch to their desk, to say the right thing. 

You feel powerless in the face of their grief, frustrated by the knowledge that there’s nothing you can do to change the outcome, and horribly nervous about doing or saying the wrong thing. 

I don’t think the perilous position of those endeavouring to offer compassionate support for someone who’s grieving is acknowledged or addressed nearly enough. It’s a scary, vulnerable place to be, and all too easy to feel paralysed by fear of getting it wrong.

I know it’s not likely that you’re going to be feeling sorry for yourself – they’re the one who’s grieving after all – but believe me, I’ve talked to enough people in your shoes to know that navigating the support role can be/feel tough. 

In fact, my own research indicates how hard it is to do the ‘right thing’ by the bereaved. In our Coping With Loss online community we often talk about what friends and family can do to help. And the truth is that what works for one person can really irk another. Our preliminary research findings back this up.

So what can you do?

My advice is simple, and essentially boils down to this: instead of being a mind reader, ask them what they need. Mind-reading is a well-known psychological thinking trap, encouraging us to imagine we know what others want/think/feel when, in fact, our own reading of the situation isn’t accurate at all. Similarly, gently suggest to them that you’re not a mind-reader either, that you can only truly help if they tell you what they need.

So, step one is to pluck up the courage to ask them what it is they want from you. Explain that you genuinely want to help, but don’t want to get it wrong, and ask them any of the following: 

• What works, what doesn’t?
• Do you want to be hugged, or not? If that changes from day to day/hour to hour, please just tell me. 
• I don’t even know what to say, what’s the worst thing people have said to you (gives you an opportunity to learn, and both of you an opportunity to perhaps laugh – which is a good thing), and what’s the best?
• Can I bring lasagne, chicken curry or a salad? 
• How are you doing today? (emphasis on the word ‘today’ implies you get how quickly things change)
• What is hardest for you? 

Other tips our bereaved clients have shared with us are:

• Instead of asking them what they want for lunch, just buy them two sandwiches, and let them choose. If they don’t want it, put it in the freezer. 
• Keep talking about those they have lost, use their name, acknowledge them, share your stories and memories. Don’t fear you’re making it worse by bringing them up – chances are they are already thinking about them. Our dead loved ones are never far from our minds.
• Tell them you’ll be there for the long haul, that you know there’s no timeline for grief and that you understand it will impact them and the rest of their lives forever.
• Make sure you continue to check in with them/follow through with your offers.
• Don’t compare your grief or experiences to theirs. Every grief is different.
• Don’t ask them “which grief stage are you going through?” (scientific studies have shown that most people don’t go through Five Stages of Grief)
• Tell them it wasn’t their fault (if appropriate): “This is not your fault, it is not fair and there is nothing you did to cause/deserve this”.
• Let them talk: sharing the story is very much part of healthy grieving and often helps the bereaved sort things out in their heads.
• Make it easy for them to reach out, e.g. “My door is always open for you to come and have a cup of tea and sit and talk or just sit. I'm always home from 3.30 to 7 weekdays and Saturday afternoons, and usually home evenings and Sunday.”
• If you don’t know what to say, just say “I don’t know what to say”.

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If someone you know is going through grief, and you're looking to offer even more help and support, consider gifting them our Facing The Day course.

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