One of the most frequent questions I hear is: “Why does my partner/friend/family member grieve so differently from me?” It’s a profoundly human question, rooted in our shared struggle to make sense of loss.

For many people, the frustration of grieving differently from their loved ones leads to feelings of loneliness and isolation. It can be deeply painful to look around and realise that no one seems to be feeling or behaving in the same way as you. This is one of the most common reasons people seek our team’s support—they feel out of sync with those around them and unsure how to bridge the gap.

As grief expert Bob Neimeyer explains in one of our podcasts, “We grieve as a function of who we are, who we lose, and how we lose them”. These three factors—our individuality, the nature of the relationship, and the circumstances of the loss—create unique experiences of grief. No two people will ever grieve in the same way because our grief is shaped by deeply personal factors like personality, culture, relationships, and past experiences.

Grief, in Bob’s words, is not just something we endure—it’s something we do. It’s an active process of reconstructing meaning in a world that feels shattered. When we understand this, we can approach our differences in grief with compassion and find ways to strengthen our connections even during this terrible time.

Why Do We Grieve So Differently?

Grief touches every aspect of our being—our emotions, relationships, and even our sense of identity. Here’s why it manifests so uniquely:

• Our Personalities: Some of us are natural talkers, needing to express emotions openly, while others prefer internal reflection or turn to physical action to process feelings.
• The Nature of the Relationship: We grieve differently according to our relationship with the person who’s died: each of us will grieve a parent, partner, child, or friend differently. These losses are not the same. The closeness and role of that person in our lives influence how we mourn. As Bob Neimeyer describes it, the loss of a loved one often feels like the rupture of a “mirror” reflecting our deepest selves. We saw ourselves in them and their view of us.
• The Circumstances of the Loss: Sudden or traumatic losses challenge our sense of justice and meaning, while anticipated losses may leave us grieving even before the person is gone.
• Our Life Experiences: Past challenges, cultural upbringing, our core beliefs and spiritual beliefs all shape how we cope with grief. For instance, if you’ve faced other losses, you may have tools to draw on. If this is your first significant loss, it’s understandable that the grief terrain feels entirely unfamiliar.

Recognising Grieving Styles

Understanding different grieving styles can be transformative. In our online live course, A Better Way To Grieve, we explore how some people are more action-oriented and others are more emotional grievers, drawing on Ken Doka’s work:

• Emotional Grievers: Tend to process grief emotionally, through talking, crying, or reflecting deeply.
• Action-oriented Grievers: Cope by focusing on tasks and practicalities, can appear more stoic.

These styles exist on a spectrum, and most of us shift between them depending on the situation. We also introduce the concept of introverted versus extroverted grievers, highlighting how sensitivity to stimulation can influence what kind of support people need.

The key takeaway? Grieving styles aren’t labels to box people into. They’re lenses to help us understand each other better, especially when others’ responses feel foreign or even frustrating.

Practical Tips for Navigating Grieving Differences

If you’re struggling to reconcile your grief with someone else’s, here are three strategies we use in our work to help:‍‍

Tip 1: Reflect on Your Own Style

Take time to consider how you grieve. Are you more action-oriented, or do you tend to process grief emotionally? Recognising your tendencies can help you better articulate your needs and understand how they differ from those around you.

‍Tip 2: Use Empathy as a Lens

When someone grieves differently, remember not to take it personally. Their reactions reflect their unique relationship with the loss and their personal history. In A Better Way to Grieve, we encourage participants to view relationships through a lens of empathy—considering the strengths and needs of those closest to them.

‍Tip 3: Balance Connection with Boundaries

Relationships frequently feel strained during grief. Remember, it’s okay to press pause on certain relationships if they aren’t serving you well right now. Focus on the ones that bring comfort or practical support, and revisit challenging dynamics when you feel ready. Relationships change over time—some will come back, and some won’t.

Finding Strength in Connection

Grieving alongside others often makes us feel isolated and confused, like nobody understands what’s going on for us. Or, sometimes you want to talk, but those close to you prefer to do the exact opposite. I remember this well. My husband, sons, friends, and other family members, we all reacted to our daughter’s loss differently. Nobody is right or wrong. We are all just different, and that’s okay. 

In our grief courses and Resilient Grieving, I highlight the importance of surrounding yourself with the people who are right for you, and can meet your different needs —whether that’s family, friends, or a broader community. Research shows that even one reliable relationship can make a profound difference. That doesn’t mean turning your back on your nearest and dearest who are grieving differently to you, but cutting them some slack, and looking to others for help too. Don’t expect one person to fulfill all your needs. 

Ultimately, grief is as individual as our fingerprints. Embracing this truth allows us to honour our own journey while extending compassion to those walking alongside us.

Remember: You don’t have to walk the same path to reach the same destination.

Because we know it can be a challenging time, over the holiday period we’ve been offering our self-paced Coping With Loss programmes through our Coping With Loss Community at a special rate of NZ$49. We’ve had such a great response that we’ve decided to extend this special offer until February 28th 2025.

Designed to provide guidance and support for those navigating grief - if these programmes could help you or someone you know, feel free to share our Coping With Loss Community.