Heard of the Five Stages of Grief? Pretty much everyone has!
But did you know that they’re associated with causing more harm than good?
That’s correct. The idea that we typically go through five distinct stages of grief has been disproven by science over the last two decades, and yet, the Five Stage model continues to persist - not only in popular culture, but sadly it’s perpetuated by many grief counsellors too.
Instead, Dr Lucy Hone and the Coping With Loss team are popularising a new approach that offers a more evidence-based, realistic and flexible understanding of grief, empowering grievers to find what works best for them, and discover new ways to handle the emotional and relational challenges common in grief.
I often get asked in media and podcast interviews how our approach to grief differs from traditional grief counselling. Essentially it comes down to four things:
We wanted our Coping With Loss programmes to offer alternatives to counselling. We knew there was demand for online grief resources people could access from their homes around the clock, but we also kept hearing from people who wanted to be active participants in their grief journey. We received so much correspondence from people who loved reading Resilient Grieving and wanted to know more about this new approach to grief. Grievers wanted to feel empowered and hopeful, and they needed access to affordable support at all hours of the day and night, every day. We know that grief can ambush us at any moment, so we wanted to be there for our growing community when they needed us most, not just at an appointed hour that has to be scheduled weeks in advance. Grief doesn’t work like that.
Because we know everyone has different needs in grief we created varied support methods to fit people’s different learning styles. We have my TED talk (that’s how many people globally find our work and has been translated into 23 languages), Denise’s podcast, our monthly blogs and our fantastically supportive Coping With Loss Facebook community. All these are free to access. Then there’s my book, Resilient Grieving, which I’ve just updated to mark the 10th anniversary of Abi’s death, and has been relaunched in Australia/NZ, the US and the UK.
So many readers of my book asked me to make a follow up course that we created our two live group online courses, A Better Way to Grieve and Grief & Growth. When Denise and I created these two group grief support programmes we could never have imagined the impact they have. Having participated in other online support groups when I was first bereaved, and found them totally hopeless and miserable, we wanted to create group support that was hopeful in tone, and equipped people with tools they could use to help them manage the challenges of grief.
Instead of being places where people met only to bemoan their situation, we wanted to create courses and groups where people would end up feeling more resourced, less overwhelmed, and more hopeful about the future. We couldn’t be happier with the results! We’ve seen the live group grief course format completely shift some grievers’ thinking and love all the feedback we regularly get as they keep us up to date with their personal progress. There’s something about this format which is so completely new and different, and creates a lifeline for participants.
Acknowledging that group courses aren’t for everyone though, we created three beautiful self-paced courses too. These suit people who like to learn in the privacy of their own home and at their pace. There are so many practical gems contained in those bite-sized videos and people always tell us how much they gain from the reflection questions and activities in the beautifully designed workbooks.
Counselling can be expensive, and it’s not always there when you need it. Grief doesn’t stick to a timetable: as grievers we need affordable access to support 24/7. Being able to read a post, a blog, share your thoughts and needs in a community of like-minded supportive people, watch a video, sift through your thinking with one of our reflection worksheets, or listen to the insights from contemporary grief science in our podcasts, enables us to meet grievers where they are at. Our online grief resources give the bereaved the flexibility and accessibility they truly need, delivering support to them, in multiple formats, providing much needed choice and enabling them to find what works best for them. This is why we do this work.
Look, I’m not against counselling, and know some fantastic grief counsellors and psychologists doing excellent work, but sadly those who understand grief are few and far between. One of my colleagues recently relayed how shocked she was to discover there was no grief content at all in her three-year counselling degree, saying “it totally astounds me that there is nothing specifically on loss and grief education when (as we all know) it is such a large part of our human experience.” It’s also typical for three-year psychology degrees to have just one lecture on bereavement. One lecture? That’s clearly not enough to explore the complexity and dynamic processes that are involved in grief. This makes me fume!
One participant in our live courses, who went on to train as a grief counsellor in Switzerland, also wrote to us explaining how grief played a very small role in her training as a counsellor. “While grief was not described as a linear process with phases, I found the suggestions very superficial (make plans for the weekend and for holidays, make lists of what you need to do, eat healthy food and stay active). There was no mention of oscillation, continuing bonds, why we grieve or relationships. I found it extremely unprofessional and (and somewhat scary!) that we were led to believe that what we were taught on grief was enough to be able to deal with grieving clients.” We feel the same. And we know how much our community and course participants get from learning about oscillation theory, continuing bonds theory and so many more insights about resilience.
Many of our clients also tell us how much they appreciate the practical nature of our approach, combining the research-informed strategies from resilience psychology with an understanding of the grief experience. They love how real we are too apparently! We’re there to help them identify what works for them in grief, it’s an active (rather than passive) process; and we’re all about keeping it real. One described counselling as “they didn't provide or suggest any tools on how to manage what I was going through, how to survive, it was just me most of the time offloading.” Another explained that “counselling was helpful but not structured, it was supportive but didn’t challenge ideas around grief”. “Your approach gave me agency, permission to make choices over how I felt and reassurance that I could and would continue to be connected to my daughter as my grief changed shape … and that my life could be more enjoyable.”
The best people to explain the difference between grief counselling and the Coping With Loss programmes are our clients and members of our community. For instance, Julie, who lost her only daughter to suicide two years ago explained how “conventional counselling did not work for me whereas this community, your book and courses were totally lifesaving.” Because her husband was worried about her, Julie gave counselling a go, but walked away after three sessions. She found it too passive and was looking for resources to give her more practical tools. “Not long after the first counselling session I started your book. This was the life raft I needed to keep my head above the water. I read those first few pages, belly laughed for the first time and as I read on and thought, ‘this makes so much sense, this is exactly what I have been experiencing. Lucy gets it....your words, analogies resonated with me (the Snakes and Ladders game of grief, the smashed jigsaw, putting the pieces back together), your raw openness, honesty, your humour. It just hit the spot! Your knowledge, resources, and research, the Coping With Loss community have all been so beneficial and practical.”
Several clients have also mentioned the fact that, because our live courses are recorded, they can go back and watch them over and over again. “This has been so helpful for me when I’m grieving, given that I can’t take everything in at once with my brain this mush. But I have hugely benefited from watching the recordings through again, and often picked up new insights” said one.
Finally, there are people who want to learn alone and those who know they’ll get more out of the group setting. Having both these options is important too. Sydney based, Georgie, who lost her brother, Darcy, spoke of how much she’d gained from the group environment in one of our live online grief courses. “One of the biggest ‘aha’ moment I had was from listening to the experiences of others. It was really helpful/validating to see that my experiences were very common, that actually, it is probably a good thing that different family members do grieve differently – keeps things afloat. You don’t get this in one-on-one therapy.”
We’re so proud of having all these different forms of support, and passionate about our mission of providing alternatives to traditional grief counselling. Without doubt good grief counselling has a lot to offer but think of it as one tool in a wider toolkit of grief resources. Fortunately, it’s no longer the only option available.
I’d encourage anyone who’s grieving to try different formats of support. We all grieve differently, we all have different learning styles, we all need support at different times of the day (and sadly night too), so it makes perfect sense to get support beyond the hours you can spend in traditional grief counselling.
If you are doing counselling, my advice is to make sure you use a qualified grief counsellor so they’re more likely to be up to date with the latest research. You could ask them about their thoughts on the Five Stages model as a telling litmus test! Resilient Grieving encourages you to find ways you can be an active participant in your grief journey, looking for the tools that work best for you. Whether you are a reader, a live group or self-paced individual learner, someone who finds solace sharing in an online community, or an avid podcast consumer, we hope we’ve created the resources to support you!
If you’re not sure which of our programmes is the best fit for you, take a look at our website here, ask others in a post in our Community, or contact our team for more personalised guidance. You can also book a 1:1 with Lucy/Denise to find which of the programmes is the best fit for you.
Want to hear more? Sign up to our newsletter
You will learn practical tools and techniques to ensure you are as empowered and prepared as possible to get your life back on track, and work towards a greater sense of control and calm.
