‍There is no right or wrong way to grieve

The Top 3 Myths that may be holding you back are: 

1. Grief Follows a Set Timeline (The Five Stages Myth)

2. You Should Be Over It by Now

3. Grief Is Only About Sadness

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I've selected these three myths to focus on because of their pervasive presence in popular culture, their ability to cause real harm and misunderstanding, and the frequency with which they are refuted in both academic literature and our conversations with the bereaved. The truth is, grief is as unique as your fingerprint. Through my research, writing and teaching on Resilient Grieving, I’ve made it my mission to help people understand there is no “right” or “wrong” way to grieve.

Understanding and debunking these myths is key to finding your own way forward through loss—free from the additional burden of unrealistic expectations.

Below I bust each of these myths, explaining the potential harm they are causing, and providing you with insights our clients tell us they find more useful.

Myth 1: Grief follows a set pattern and timeline (The Five Stages of Grief myth)

Why This Myth: The idea that grief proceeds through a predictable series of stages (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) is one of the most widespread myths about bereavement. A recent study showed a whopping 68 per cent of the general public still think this is true. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross first introduced the Five Stages of Grief model in her landmark book, "On Death and Dying," published all the way back in 1969. But this model was based on interviews with 200 terminally ill patients, not bereaved individuals at all. Kübler-Ross later clarified that her stage model was never meant to “tuck messy emotions into neat packages”. Even she admitted: “Our grief is as individual as our lives. Not everyone goes through all of them or goes in a prescribed order.”

But the idea that grief involves five stages became embedded in popular culture, its simplicity and accessibility appealing to both laypeople and professionals in healthcare, counseling, and education. The fact that the model then began being taught in medical schools, nursing programs, and mental health training, only cemented its status as the dominant framework for understanding all forms of grief. What a shame.

‍Potential Harm: Sadly, we see the damage the perpetuation of this myth causes frequently in our work. Many of those attending our courses share concerns that they’re not grieving "right" - because they either haven’t experienced some of the stages or haven’t moved through them in the expected order. As my husband summed up recently, "Not only are the Five Stages not backed by science, but they give fake ‘knowledge’ to the legion of new grief advisors you suddenly have in your life." I couldn’t agree more.

So, just to set the record straight, once and for all, contemporary bereavement studies have disproved stage theory, demonstrating that grief is unique to every individual and can involve emotions that ebb and flow unpredictably. Just as every relationship and death is different, so is how we process our grief. 

In case you’re interested, below are some of the studies discounting the stage model:

⭐️ Wortman and Silver (1989)

⭐️ Friedman and James (2008)

⭐️ Konigsberg (2011)

⭐️ Hall (2014)

⭐️ Stroebe, Schut, and Boerner (2017)

⭐️ Neimeyer (2020)

⭐️ Avis, Stroebe, and Schut (2021)

That’s over 30 years of robust research! 

Time to let Stage Theory go please. 

‍The Alternative? Understand that everyone grieves differently - the way we grieve is determined by a number of factors, including our relationship with the deceased, the circumstances of their death, our religious and cultural beliefs, and our previous experiences with death. Instead of being a passenger in your grief, waiting to pass through the supposed stages, know that it’s okay to want to take a more proactive approach by identifying the ways of thinking, acting and being that are helping you manage the ever changing emotional landscape and discover your unique way to process this loss.

Myth 2: You Should be Over It by Now

Why This Myth: Many grievers encounter social pressure suggesting they should "move on" or "be over" their loss within a certain timeframe. This belief is rooted in societal discomfort with any displays of grief but particularly prolonged ones; people seem to feel profoundly uncomfortable being around negative emotions. Plenty of robust scientific studies, including the work of George Bonanno on resilience, show that grief doesn’t fit neatly into timelines. For many, the pain of loss endures much longer, for others the death of their loved one can actually be a relief.

Potential Harm: This myth can lead to feelings of isolation or guilt when someone continues to grieve beyond what society deems acceptable. It pressures people to suppress their emotions or pretend they are “fine” when they may still be struggling. In stark contrast to this myth, contemporary bereavement studies demonstrate that forging “on-going bonds” with those we have lost can help us grieve, meaning continuing to talk about our loved ones is a healthy way to process the loss. Our clients often share their fears that their person will be forgotten: being able to talk about them and saying their name are good ways to keep their memory alive, so don’t be shamed into thinking it’s morbid or inappropriate. 

The Alternative:  Let your grief unfold at its own pace, in its own way. If it’s preventing you from engaging with life and you feel your ability to function is worsening, then take that as a sign to seek professional help. Otherwise, don’t expect your grief to adhere to any particular timeline.  It's been ten years now since we lost our daughter and friends in a tragic car accident, and while I can honestly say I’m happy and have learned to live without our girl, I’m also the first to admit there are still times when I miss her. Instead of my grief shrinking, I like to think that my world has grown around her loss. I’m pretty open about how her loss has shaped our lives. 

Myth 3: Grief Is Only About Sadness

Why This Myth: There’s a common misconception that grief is purely about feeling sad and that emotions like relief, joy, or even laughter are inappropriate during grieving. This belief is often perpetuated by cultural narratives presenting grief as unidimensional, focusing exclusively on sadness. Research refutes this view of grief: the emotional landscape of grief is way more nuanced and complex than we once thought. Many grievers experience positive emotions alongside their sadness—such as moments of joy when reflecting on good memories, feeling grateful for the love they had and perhaps to those supporting them, experiencing pride in their ability to somehow cope. These are not emotional experiences to quash. It is in fact instinctive and deeply human of us to feel the good with the bad; several studies show how these positive experiences (however brief) can provide essential respite during grief. 

Potential Harm: This myth can prevent people from embracing the moments of love, relief, laughter or gratitude. While feeling these emotions make some feel guilty or believe they are not grieving "properly”, in reality, experiencing a full spectrum of emotions, including positive ones, is a natural and healthy part of the grieving process.

The Alternative: Don’t feel bad about the glimmers of hope and happiness that crop up in your life. Listen to our podcast with leading researcher, Judy Moskowitz, on how positive emotions help us cope with tough times and the ground-breaking studies she and her team are doing in the field.

‍Conclusion

If you’ve been struggling with any of these myths, please listen to me when I say, you are not alone. These grief myths have become deeply entrenched in society. Sadly the media, websites and even mental health professionals have been slow to catch up with the research proving them wrong. I was struck recently by a new study by Avis, Stroebe, and Schut (2021) which found over 60% of the websites analysed featured the five stages prominently, often without any acknowledgment of the model’s limitations. I am also horrified by a study testing health professionals' knowledge of grief revealing  46% of those sampled  still thought the Five Stage model was true (Sawyer et al 2021). There’s still clearly work to do; you can help with this too.

In my work, I focus on challenging these harmful myths and guiding people towards a more nuanced understanding of grief. The reality is that grief doesn’t adhere to a timeline, and it doesn’t look like many online resources portray. You might find yourself feeling hopeful one moment and deeply sorrowful the next—and that’s okay. Understanding the truth about grief, rather than getting caught up in these myths, is key to finding a way through that feels right for you.

Accept that your grief may reappear at unexpected (and usually most inconvenient!) times, and that those tears you are crying are just because you love/d them. Celebrate the good moments without guilt - don’t quash them - they’re there for a purpose and relish the respite they provide. Know that it’s okay to continue to love your person/people for as long as you live, and that doing so, far from being morbid, is a healthy way of staying connected and keeping their memory alive.

Visit us at copingwithloss.co for more compassionate insights, or share your experience below—we’re all in this together.

If you’re struggling to find what works for you and your grief, why not try one of our self-paced courses online. You can watch the videos and think about the self-reflection prompts we ask you in the privacy of your own home, and at your own pace. Denise and I seem to have a way of talking about grief without making it too miserable.

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