Most of us know two things about grief. One, that death is universal, so, sadly, grief gets us all at some point. Two, when that time comes, there are certain stages of grief we all pass through. The first is true, the second very definitely isn’t. That’s not just my opinion, but backed by science too. 

The first time I grieved I was in my early 30s, reeling from the shock that our dear mum was going to die from lung cancer. Undoubtedly a life changing time in my life. Someone told me about the Five Stages of Grief and I took some comfort from learning there were set stages of grief people typically go through – starting with denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I do recall having some nagging doubt that I wasn’t doing ‘grief right’ because I never experienced anger, and watching her body wither in front of me made denial hard too. But I let it pass. The comfort provided by the Five Stage model – that there was some form of structure and order to this madness – felt worth latching on to. 

Questioning the 5 Stages of Grief

However, by the time our dear daughter, Abi, died at the tender, precious age of just 12, I was an academic researcher, PhD’d up, so went looking for answers when the prevailing advice didn’t seem to make sense. My curiosity about stages of grieving was sparked by reading the resources we were given. I distinctly recall thinking, ‘if grief is as “individual as your finger print” as it says here, then how come we are supposed to go through set stages of grief?’. That didn’t make any sense to me! Grief cannot be both individual and something we all do in similar pattern– something’s off here, I thought. So I poured over the scientific evidence published in the academic literature, and do you know what I found? Several studies and researcher reviews completely debunking stage theories of grief as unhelpful, unscientific myths. Honestly, I was astonished. I’d always taken this as established grief theory, but, no, it turns out there are no set stages most people go through. Instead, it is widely agreed we all grieve differently; the way we experience grief is deeply personal.

Despite popular opinion still clinging on to the idea of grief stages, bereavement scholars are unified on this. Reading deeper, I even discovered the original observations that grief took certain stages came from observations of terminally-il patients, not those left behind at all. Wow. 

Moving Forward with Grief

So where does that leave us? How are you supposed to move forward from grief, what do we know of the grieving process? The first import learning is to understand that you won’t move forward ‘from’ grief, but ‘with it’. In the work we do with our clients we make this important distinction. Grief isn’t something you get over, it’s something you learn to live with. Bereavement changes you, it shapes who you are, how you behave, what you think and feel. It’s such a massive experience.

The most important thing to understand about your grief journey is that it is just that – your grief journey. No one else’s. The way you feel, act, think, react immediately and respond over time, are all deeply personal to you. Even members of the same family can respond differently to the same death. We see this in our work all the time. 

That’s because, as Bob Neimeyer, Professor Emeritus in the department of psychology at the University of Memphis, says in one of our podcasts, “we grieve as a function of who we are, who we lose and how we lose them”. This is such a critical understanding in grief; who you are, who you’ve lost, and how you lost them are going to play a foundational role in your grieving process. Try not to compare your experience to those around you. You do you. 

More than anything though, we also see some ways of thinking, acting and being that help people adapt to the loss of their loved ones in a healthy way. We like to encourage people to notice what works for you in your grief, and to embark upon something of a self-experiment, trying out different ways of thinking and acting, then noticing how they make you feel. 

When Abi died, I didn’t want to take a passive approach to grieving – the thought of waiting around to go through the various stages of grief frustrated me. I didn’t want to hear what might happen to me, what stage was coming next, instead, I desperately wanted to know what I could DO to help ease the pain and misery of her horrendous absence. I think of this as being ‘an active participant’ in my grief process, doing everything I possibly can to help myself and those I love get through each day and believe there’ll be better days ahead. You can do the same. 

We never tire of seeing the transformational shifts that occur when people take charge of their own grief process. As those taking our courses grow their understanding of grief, identify what works for them, we love reading about their light bulb break through moments when they begin to feel less overwhelmed, more hopeful than helpless. After you’ve read this blog, I encourage you to sit for a moment, and consider what works best for you? You can start this right now, using one of the tools from our self-paced courses that encourages you to ask yourself, is what you are doing – the way you are choosing to act, think or be – helping or harming you in your quest to get through this? Be your own experiment. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, only the ways that work for you.

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