“I wish I’d let myself be happier” (one of the most common regrets of the dying)
I post regularly on social media about all things resilience and grief. It’s a good way to get helpful information and tools out to wider audiences, which lies at the heart of our mission at Coping With Loss to grow resilience and grief literacy globally.
Recently I did a series of posts featuring the Five Regrets of the Dying. Derived from conversations with palliative patients, the five most common regrets (as reported by Bronnie Ware, an Australian nurse) are a poignant reminder of what’s important: I wish I hadn’t worked so hard; I wished I’d lived a life true to myself and not that which others expected of me; I wish I’d stayed in touch with my friends; I wish I’d had the courage to express my true feelings; and, I wish I’d let myself be happier. The post I did about ‘being happier’ went viral with hundreds of thousands of people all over the world sharing it. Clearly it hit a nerve and suggests a great number of people wish to be happier.
This got me thinking about happiness and grieving. Is it even appropriate to utter those two words in the same sentence? Many people would think not, but my experience of working with clients has revealed how much the bereaved value (and crave) happiness.
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Will I ever be happy again, is one of the questions I get asked most often – in messages, emails, face to face conversations, and on one-on-one calls. I remember chatting to one of our earliest online course participants, Tiffani from Australia, who joined our community having lost her precious son. After the course had finished, she told me how much it meant to her that I’d said I was happy and that we, as a family, were happy too. A social worker supporting others in grief herself, she told me what a revelation that was, saying, “it meant so much to me to hear that.”
Even when we’re grieving we have this deep yearning to know that moments of levity haven’t left our lives completely. It’s understandable in many ways: the misery that comes with grieving can be overwhelming and exhausting, our obsessive thinking about our dead loved ones all consuming. No wonder our minds welcome the distraction of everyday tasks to give them a break from the misery of loss: I remember going back to work and finding light relief in the data analysis for my research. I’m not normally a fan of stats but anything was better than being trapped in thoughts of Abi all day every day.
It might sound strange, inappropriate or unbelievable right now, but trust me when I say it’s true. For most people - even those who have lost a partner or a child - happiness does come back in time (Asselmann & Specht, 2022).
As researchers, when we want to study happiness, we look at the broader range of positive emotions. While it was once assumed that positive emotions were either absent in grief, or if they were present this was a sign of unhealthy grieving, contemporary grief studies paint a very different picture. It is now known that: 1) it is common to experience positive emotions and positive experiences during bereavement; and 2) experiencing positive emotions helps us adapt to chronic stress by providing important respite from distress. Judy Moskowitz, from Northwestern’s Feinberg School of Medicine, whose work we share in the emotions workshop of our online grief programme, A Better Way to Grieve, reminds us that “It’s not about pretending grief isn’t awful… but you can notice moments of positive emotion and capitalise on them, and that can help you cope better with the grief”. We know, for example, that positive emotions interrupt rumination, restore coping resources, help keep us connected, and motivate us to find ways of coping with our problems. I love Judy’s practical and very real world approach to noticing positive emotions: “Acknowledge that it’s awful, don’t try to suppress those emotions…and, then, know that it is possible to experience positive emotions alongside that. There are things you can do to have these experiences of positive emotion that can help you cope with the bereavement. I’ve seen these [positive emotions] work for people in really dark circumstances.”
So, what can you do? The first thing to know is that, instead of hoping “I’ll be happier when…”, look for ways to put small glimmers back into your days right now. I’m going to be honest and say we’ve had a challenging past few months in our house, so writing about happiness has made me sit up and pay attention, prompting me to ponder, what is it that makes me reliably happy, what can I do today, what can I schedule this week to make me smile and lift my mood? My personal go-tos are laughing at our dogs, singing to music I love in the car, crashing head-first through the waves, planting vegetables in spring, reading a trashy novel in the sun, getting swept up in the crowd at live music gigs, listening to Desert Island Discs while we’re cooking dinner.
They might not sound much, but these moments do add up: indeed, studies suggest it’s better to aim for greater frequency, instead of intensity, when it comes to positive emotions.
If it’s hard to imagine feeling happier right now, it might be helpful to consider the questions below.
⭐️ Take some time to think about…
⭐️ Who, what, and where lights up your day?
⭐️ Who brings a smile to your face at work?
⭐️ What shows still make you laugh?
⭐️ What song do you love singing along to?
⭐️ What have you done this week that you’re proud of?
⭐️ Who or what gives you hope?
⭐️ What can you read/watch/listen to right now that inspires you?
⭐️ Where can you go to get a sense of awe?
⭐️ What are you curious about? What fascinates you?
⭐️ Who do you love, and what have they done for you today that you’re grateful for?
⭐️ Where do you get serenity from?
Studies have clearly demonstrated there’s no one-size fits all formula: you’ve got to know what works for you. Personalisation - also known in psychology as ‘person-activity-fit’ - is key. The field of gratitude science is a good example of this. You may have heard that keeping a gratitude journal or listing 3 good things each day can lift your mood. Scientifically that’s true, but, honestly, both of those give me the heebie-jeebies. So, I created my own versions instead. When I’m really struggling, I carry three stones in my pocket. Every time I feel them during the day, I remind myself to check in on the good stuff—the little wins, what’s gone right today. A friend also gifted me a beautiful neon poster that reminds us to “Accept the Good” (you may have seen it featured in my book, Resilient Grieving). The US Army were trained to ‘hunt the good stuff’ in their days and encouraged to post using the hashtag #htgs.
All of these are good examples of personalisation - finding the activities and language that works for you, that fits with your personality, culture, and environment. Take a moment to think about what language and activities might work for you.
While I am in no way denying that grief is a profoundly stressful event - painful in so many ways - knowing that “I wish I’d let myself be happier” was one of the top five regrets of the dying motivates me to keep trying. Even on the darkest of days. Happiness is not about grand gestures or perfect days, yes it’s likely to get easier in the future, but some of those positive emotions can be found today.
Bronnie Ware, author of the Top Five Regrets of the Dying book, says of the conversations she had with her dying patients, “fear of change had them pretending to others, and themselves, that they were content; when deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again."
Notice who’s there for you, turn your face to the sun, say yes to a movie with a friend, stop and listen to the bird song, play your favourite thrash metal song, or light your favourite candle to prompt a moment of serenity! Hang onto the things that make you laugh, the friends you’re lucky enough to hug, those quiet moments of pause and reflection that bring you inner peace.
Notice the little sparks in your everyday life, make time for them, and remember not to quash them out of guilt. You’re allowed to be happy. Your person would have wanted you to be happy. If you’d died, you’d have felt the same. Instead of thinking wistfully about the future, focus on what you can do today.
Our online self-paced programme, Facing the World, will help you better understand grief’s emotional landscape, giving you tools and strategies to help you feel less overwhelmed and more in control. While we now have a fantastic programme for helping professionals, many grief counsellors and mental health professionals have not been trained in emotional intelligence, so check out our programmes if you need that support.
If you’re not sure which of our programs is the best fit for you, take a look at our website here, ask others in a post in our Community, or contact our team for more personalised guidance. You can also book a 1:1 with Lucy/Denise to find which of the programmes is the best fit for you.
You will learn practical tools and techniques to ensure you are as empowered and prepared as possible to get your life back on track, and work towards a greater sense of control and calm.
